Bob Wire's thoughts on bad English

The following was written by Bob Wire and is an article on how language is misused. It's a funny, clever piece, I hope you enjoy it.

I’ve compiled a short list (a full list would stretch from here to Two Dot) of offending words and phrases, with their proper usage or meanings. Grab a hot cup, settle in, and pay attention. The reputation you save may be your own.

I’ll start with one of Barb’s most-hated specimens: “Orientated,” as in, “We gathered in the conference room and the systems manager orientated us all to the new porn search program.” People do not get orientated, they get oriented. Unless they are new students attending Orientation at a university in Asia, where they become “Westernized.”

I hate how the word “literally” is used as a modifier, not as the opposite of “figuratively.” If you drank too much tequila and vomited into your wife’s purse, and you told her it literally made you feel like an ass, then you have actually taken the form of a donkey. If your lawyer is literally a baboon, maybe he can ride you into divorce court.

Local broadcasters and advertisers on TV and radio are always saying VEE-hickle when talking about a vehicle, which makes them sound like refugees from Hee-Haw. It figuratively makes me climb the walls. Local sportscasters talk about teams “chomping at the bit” to play another team. The correct term is “champing,” as in, “this team will be champing if they win every game on their schedule.”

These same talking heads and chattering dupes are also guilty of uttering the Holy Triumvirate of mispronunciation: excetera, exscape, and expresso. I love seeing a newscaster reporting that a couple of jailbirds have “exscaped” from the state prison in Deerlodge. Gee, do you think they rode out of there on their “escape goat?” I suppose they were imprisoned for committing a “senseless murder.” You know what murder would make sense? If somebody killed that asshole who made the Blackfoot Communications bullhorn commercial (“Attention people of Montana…”) that plays incessantly on the radio.

When it comes to foreign words and phrases, my advice is to just steer clear unless you have a firm grip on their usage and spelling. The internet provides a platform for a tsunami of unchecked writing, and it’s an unending source of clueless usage from ignorant people who just don’t care how stupid they look. For instance, we’ve all grown up with the phrase, “voilà,” usually uttered by a magician as he allows a pigeon to fly out of his pants. But I often see it written as “walla” or “wah lah.” Jesus H. Christ, that’s right up there with “bonified,” an attempt at “bona fide,” and “per say,” when they mean “per se.” This kind of error shouts to the world, “Yes, I’m reading on a fifth grade level.”

Here’s another example: “Mano a mano.” The literal meaning of this Spanish phrase is “hand to hand,” like hand to hand combat. If your boss comes up to you and says, “Simpson, we need to have a talk, mano a mano,” it will be accurate only if you are both deaf. And your name is Simpson.

One of my favorite bonehead gaffes is “on the lamb,” for someone who’s running from the law. Listen, if you’re literally on the lamb, you’ve got bigger problems than John Q. Law breathing down your neck. Not only are you a bestiality freak, but you’re a pedophile as well. Better stay on the lam.

I love when someone says they’re waiting “with baited breath.” I can only picture her with a mouthful of chum, or perhaps gnawing on a small squid. Or maybe chomping at the bait.

Speaking of bestiality, I hear a lot of language-mangling coming from the pie holes of political candidates, too. They’ll say their opponent “misrepresented the truth,” when they mean he “lied his ass off. His pants are literally on fire.” These politicos don’t want the American public to “take anything for granite,” because they will deliver on their campaign promises, “irregardless” of the painful choices they’ll have to make, like “having to do a complete 360” on certain issues. That means, of course, that they change their “anti-abortion” agenda to one that is “pro-life.”

I’ll leave you with this juicy example of a wrongly used word, from the cinematic classic, Animal House. It’s the scene where Otter has taken some pledges to the Food King to shoplift some groceries, and he’s trying to hustle Dean Wormer’s wife in the produce section:

Eric ‘Otter’ Stratton (waving a large cucumber): Mine’s bigger. My cucumber. It’s bigger. I think vegetables can be very sensuous, don’t you?
Marion Wormer: No, vegetables are sensual. People are sensuous.
Otter: Right. Sensual. That’s what I meant. My name’s Eric Stratton. People call me Otter.
Marion Wormer: My name’s Marion. People call me Mrs. Wormer.
Otter: Oh, we have a Dean Wormer at Faber.
Marion Wormer: How interesting. I have a husband named Dean Wormer at Faber. Still want to show me your cucumber?

http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/how_to_write_and_speak_good_english

It's like, really annoying.

There is a group of people in our society who are almost singlehandedly responsible for using the word 'like' as a filler, a bit of padding or as a pause in order to think of something to say next in their conversation. In particular it's teenage girls who have to take most of the blame for this lazy, irritating convention and as a sub-section I must say that American teenage girls are worst of all.

It really is one of the most pointless uses of the word in the English language.

Let's remind ourselves of the meaning of the word. Like: a) Having some or all of the qualities of another. b) resembling in some way eg good writers like Dickens.

The most unfortunate aspect of this particular piece of language misuse is that it will be repeated time and time again in quick succession often in the same or consecutive sentences. Of course the word like is almost exclusively followed by a slight pause accentuating the fact that the speaker is thinking of what to say next. This pause is often accompanied by a gaping mouth and eyeballs rolling up into the head.

For instance here's Chardonnay talking to a group of teenage friends.

It was like, really late when he turned up and I was like..."What time do you call this". I mean it's like...I'm never late for him.

I suppose there is one thing that is more exasperating than simply saying 'like' and that's "It's like...Do you know what I mean?" Then I just just want to scream.

It's time for another blog, you know!

When listening to people speak, much of what they say passes over us. We tend to pick out the bits we are interested in or that are useful to us. If people have annoying habits within their speech we are all quite good at ignoring them. We are after-all, being polite.

Occasionally we all come across people who use really irritating expressions... you know.

No, I don't know, that's why you're telling me.

We can all put up with the odd 'you know' here or there but when people slip them in at the end of virtually every sentence it becomes really annoying. The point is that the expression indicates two things; firstly that the speaker is insecure and constantly needs re-affirmation of their status and secondly that they are struggling to think of what to say next.

But we are all too nice to people. We just listen and accept it... you know. Then we say... yeah! which is confirming to these lazy speakers that we are quite happy with what they have just said.

Enough is enough!...you know. Next time try this...

Well actually, I don't know, in fact I haven't the foggiest ideal what you're talking about. I'm so mesmerised by you saying 'you know' all the time that I can't focus on the real content of your conversation and I'm simply losing the will to live.

Of course, people will continue to use 'you know' especially on current affairs programmes on both radio and TV. The Jeremy Vine show on Radio 2 at lunchtime during the week is a place where you will find this creature in abundance. This species is called 'a member of the public phoning into a current affairs programme with an opinion'. When listening to these programmes sit and wait for the first 'you know'. Once the first one has tumbled out they start spilling out like a toddler spitting out alphabetti spaghetti. It's wonderful, just sit and count.

This irritating expression has a famous cousin and all of the above comments apply equally to it. It is of course 'Do you know what I mean'. Since all of the above applies equally to this phrase I shall simply say 'please refer to my earlier answer'.

Let's speak correct English!

I have become increasingly more irritated in recent years over the way many people use or rather misuse the English language. At this point I must say that I am certainly not a language scholar or a literary genius but I cringe at the way English is used by people who should either know better or who place themselves in the public domain. Of course, there are millions of people in Britain who use the language in the only way they know, the way they have been brought up, using the wrong tense and syntax in a local dialect. For such people, perfect Queen's English would be unseemly, incongruous and down right daft. The following phrase uttered between two elderly ladies talking in Peckham High Road would seem quite natural.

"We was standing at the bus-stop and he come over to us."

My beef is not with this kind of language, although "We were standing at the bus-stop and he came over to us." would sound perfectly OK in the local South London accent, so why not get it right anyway.

What I wish to share with you are some of my particular 'pet hates' when it comes to the bad use of one of the most interesting, useful, adaptable, versatile languages in the world.

It's certainly not the case that I came from a particularly well educated family but both my parents use the English language correctly and naturally their children have all developed very acceptable language skills.

My main irritations are with careless, lazy, thoughtless habits perpetuated by people who simply don't think enough about what they are saying. This includes 'trends' and 'fads' which have developed over recent years. For Example:

"How are you?"

"I'm good"

No! You are not good, you are well or fine.

If you're good, you have the desired or correct qualities or skills. If asked how you are, the questioner wants to know the state of your condition, if you are in good health or good spirits. Unfortunately this phrase is infiltrating the airwaves, being used by Celebrities, Sportsmen, Reporters and Politicians. When I hear someone using "I'm good" in this way on the TV or radio I shout "No, it's I'm fine" at the screen. It's very therapeutic, try it.