Bob Wire's thoughts on bad English

The following was written by Bob Wire and is an article on how language is misused. It's a funny, clever piece, I hope you enjoy it.

I’ve compiled a short list (a full list would stretch from here to Two Dot) of offending words and phrases, with their proper usage or meanings. Grab a hot cup, settle in, and pay attention. The reputation you save may be your own.

I’ll start with one of Barb’s most-hated specimens: “Orientated,” as in, “We gathered in the conference room and the systems manager orientated us all to the new porn search program.” People do not get orientated, they get oriented. Unless they are new students attending Orientation at a university in Asia, where they become “Westernized.”

I hate how the word “literally” is used as a modifier, not as the opposite of “figuratively.” If you drank too much tequila and vomited into your wife’s purse, and you told her it literally made you feel like an ass, then you have actually taken the form of a donkey. If your lawyer is literally a baboon, maybe he can ride you into divorce court.

Local broadcasters and advertisers on TV and radio are always saying VEE-hickle when talking about a vehicle, which makes them sound like refugees from Hee-Haw. It figuratively makes me climb the walls. Local sportscasters talk about teams “chomping at the bit” to play another team. The correct term is “champing,” as in, “this team will be champing if they win every game on their schedule.”

These same talking heads and chattering dupes are also guilty of uttering the Holy Triumvirate of mispronunciation: excetera, exscape, and expresso. I love seeing a newscaster reporting that a couple of jailbirds have “exscaped” from the state prison in Deerlodge. Gee, do you think they rode out of there on their “escape goat?” I suppose they were imprisoned for committing a “senseless murder.” You know what murder would make sense? If somebody killed that asshole who made the Blackfoot Communications bullhorn commercial (“Attention people of Montana…”) that plays incessantly on the radio.

When it comes to foreign words and phrases, my advice is to just steer clear unless you have a firm grip on their usage and spelling. The internet provides a platform for a tsunami of unchecked writing, and it’s an unending source of clueless usage from ignorant people who just don’t care how stupid they look. For instance, we’ve all grown up with the phrase, “voilà,” usually uttered by a magician as he allows a pigeon to fly out of his pants. But I often see it written as “walla” or “wah lah.” Jesus H. Christ, that’s right up there with “bonified,” an attempt at “bona fide,” and “per say,” when they mean “per se.” This kind of error shouts to the world, “Yes, I’m reading on a fifth grade level.”

Here’s another example: “Mano a mano.” The literal meaning of this Spanish phrase is “hand to hand,” like hand to hand combat. If your boss comes up to you and says, “Simpson, we need to have a talk, mano a mano,” it will be accurate only if you are both deaf. And your name is Simpson.

One of my favorite bonehead gaffes is “on the lamb,” for someone who’s running from the law. Listen, if you’re literally on the lamb, you’ve got bigger problems than John Q. Law breathing down your neck. Not only are you a bestiality freak, but you’re a pedophile as well. Better stay on the lam.

I love when someone says they’re waiting “with baited breath.” I can only picture her with a mouthful of chum, or perhaps gnawing on a small squid. Or maybe chomping at the bait.

Speaking of bestiality, I hear a lot of language-mangling coming from the pie holes of political candidates, too. They’ll say their opponent “misrepresented the truth,” when they mean he “lied his ass off. His pants are literally on fire.” These politicos don’t want the American public to “take anything for granite,” because they will deliver on their campaign promises, “irregardless” of the painful choices they’ll have to make, like “having to do a complete 360” on certain issues. That means, of course, that they change their “anti-abortion” agenda to one that is “pro-life.”

I’ll leave you with this juicy example of a wrongly used word, from the cinematic classic, Animal House. It’s the scene where Otter has taken some pledges to the Food King to shoplift some groceries, and he’s trying to hustle Dean Wormer’s wife in the produce section:

Eric ‘Otter’ Stratton (waving a large cucumber): Mine’s bigger. My cucumber. It’s bigger. I think vegetables can be very sensuous, don’t you?
Marion Wormer: No, vegetables are sensual. People are sensuous.
Otter: Right. Sensual. That’s what I meant. My name’s Eric Stratton. People call me Otter.
Marion Wormer: My name’s Marion. People call me Mrs. Wormer.
Otter: Oh, we have a Dean Wormer at Faber.
Marion Wormer: How interesting. I have a husband named Dean Wormer at Faber. Still want to show me your cucumber?

http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/how_to_write_and_speak_good_english

It's like, really annoying.

There is a group of people in our society who are almost singlehandedly responsible for using the word 'like' as a filler, a bit of padding or as a pause in order to think of something to say next in their conversation. In particular it's teenage girls who have to take most of the blame for this lazy, irritating convention and as a sub-section I must say that American teenage girls are worst of all.

It really is one of the most pointless uses of the word in the English language.

Let's remind ourselves of the meaning of the word. Like: a) Having some or all of the qualities of another. b) resembling in some way eg good writers like Dickens.

The most unfortunate aspect of this particular piece of language misuse is that it will be repeated time and time again in quick succession often in the same or consecutive sentences. Of course the word like is almost exclusively followed by a slight pause accentuating the fact that the speaker is thinking of what to say next. This pause is often accompanied by a gaping mouth and eyeballs rolling up into the head.

For instance here's Chardonnay talking to a group of teenage friends.

It was like, really late when he turned up and I was like..."What time do you call this". I mean it's like...I'm never late for him.

I suppose there is one thing that is more exasperating than simply saying 'like' and that's "It's like...Do you know what I mean?" Then I just just want to scream.